'Ladies and Gentlemen--It would be impossible for me to describe the peculiar sensations I am urdergoing this morning on finding myself in the position of speechmaker. Some weeks ago, when my colleagues honored me with a request to address yo today, I most positively declined, but on being earnestly pressed again and again I at last reluctantly consented. However, since giving my consent my many engagements have prevented me from formulating anything like a speech of symmetrical proportions, so that I must beg you to grant me your most charitable indulgence while I make a few rambling remarks, for, my friends, I assure you I do not know what I shall say next.'

Such would doubtless be my opening remarks as I spread out a carefully prepared manuscript, were I a trained speaker.

On the contrary, being entirely ignorant of the rules of oratory, I must proceed along other lines.

In the first place, I wish to assure my audience that I have not the slightest intention of entering into a psychological discussion on the state of my feelings, for I am persuaded that they are the same that any graduate would experience under like conditions, except for the fact that I truly believe my heart is thumping louder and more wildly than any heart has ever thumped before.

In the second place, I wish you to clearly understand that I have spent many sleepless nights and despairing days looking for an inspiration which never came. Yet I beg you to grant me such attention an you would give to Demosthenes, should the shade of that famous orator now stand before you.

The object of my address this morning is a twofold one: that of expressing the views of my class as regards the peculiarities - I beg your pardon, the idiosyncracies - of our honored faculty, and also to give a few words of warning and advice to those students who have not yet completed the mystic maze of college life. It is with the greatest delight that I have undertaken the second half of my task, for as a scarred but victorious veteran I would gladly point out to those following the dangers which are ahead. But I must admit that I shudder at the thought of charging a set of semi-celestial beings to whom for four years we seniors have looked up in awe and reverence. Yet, being only semi-celestial, they have their faults, and what trodden worm would refuse to turn, or what senior to give her frank opinion, when all cause for fear has been forever removed. Hence, most respected instructors, have patience with me, I beg you, while I administer to you a few doses of your own mixtire, though I shall be kinder to you than you were to us, and sugar-coat my censure.

Do not look so alarmed. I shall merely touch lightly a few sharp angles and endeavor to round them off, that your characters may be as beautiful and symmetrical as those fifty-four which you have been cutting, grinding, and pointing for the past four years. And, oh! how perfectly you have succeeded, though at the cost of much pain to your subjects. We have tried to remember that we were but clay in the potter's hands. We have tried to realize that our suffering was but development. There was some little comfort in those thought, but oh! potters! potters! if you only knew what despair we sometimes felt when in deepest mortification we lay shattered at your feet, all because we would not or could not (?) yield to your molding touch. But let me not dwell on unhappy bygones. With what success your work has met may be seen by mrely glancing at this platform on which appear fifty-four perfect vessels ready for use in the world. And now we gratefully thank you, beloved instructors, reverenced faculty, for the part you have taken in this glorious work.

There is a burden on my mind this morning which is oppressing me greatly. I wish to talk to you about a subject which I hardly know how to open. Perhaps you do not know that at one time we feared a dangerous malady had broken out among you. We at first thought of consulting Dr. Welch, but fearing that she, too, was a victim and might feel sensitive about discussing the matter, we decided to make our investigations without medical aid. We consulted journals, encyclopedias, and dictionaries, and at length discovered an article entitled 'morbus animi alienis rebus distenti ' (I shall not insult the intelligence of my audience by informing them that this is the Latin expression for 'absent-mindedness') Eagerly scanning the pages before us, we gound our faculty was afflicted with all the symptoms described therein. Our minds were somewhat relieved, however, when we found that this disease was neither fatal nor dangerous, only - comical. Perhaps you will think we were unnecessarily alarmed, but you will cease to do so when I tell you that our most learned PhD's were beginning to forget their ties and had to return home for them; that they were forgetting to comb their hair before entering the dining room; that they were breaking engagements galore with no other excuse than that 'they had forgotten' 'Small matters' you say; yes, small matters, but where would they end?

To give a more specific instance: A student had occasion to call on one of our professors. She knocked on the door and a voice answered: 'Come in.' She tried the knob, but it resisted her efforts. She was just about to inform the owner of the voice that she could not do its bidding, when she heard him exclaim in a tragic key: 'Mr.-- has gone and locked me in.' There then ensued an animated conversation through the keyhole as to the best means of storming the stronghold. At first she thought of thundering 'Open sesame!' but fearing the Dean would start on a tour of investigation - by the way, one of the Dean's favorite amusements, - she changed her mind. Not to worry you with a recital of her efforts to release the prisoner, suffice it to say that that after much searching she found a duplicate key, thrust it into the lock, turned it, and throwing open the door, looked into the relieved eyes of a venerable German. He explained to her, amid many expressions of gratitude, that he had been working upon a collection of coins, and Mr. -- had left the office, locking, so he supposed, the door behind him. From this incident you will understand that our fears had been well founded.

Now for the cure. One of our afflicted faculty made an experiment last summer in matrimony. According to his own account, the experiment is working beautifully, and to our great delight, we have found him much improved this winter. This would seem to us to argue that the cure for 'morbus animi alienis rebus distenti' is matrimony. Hence we would say to you who are living in single wretchedness: 'Follow the example of your colleague.'

This advice comes rather late, however, for it seems to have recently become the fashion among our instructors to become at least engaged. This tendency has brought much relief to our hearts and minds, but there is still one of you who is causing us untold anxiety lest he be left behind in the race. To him I would express the sentiments of my class in the following lines:

This tendency to assume the golden responsibilities of wedded life has not been the only improvement we have perceived among you. It was with a feeling of the deepest approval that we noticed on that morning when so many innovations were made in the order of our chapel services that you who had always sat painfully close to the door had ventured nearer the centre of the room and no longer looked as though you were ready to dart out as soon as Jupiter - I mean the Dean - nodded. This action we consider a mark of progress on your part, and hail it with delight. Take our advice, and never be afraid of the front seats in chapel, for they are not reserved for the baldheads.

We have noticed also a tendency among some of you to invite students to stay with you for another term's work. You must not do this. It shows entirely too much partiality and it causes some students to do careless work for favorite professors, hoping that they, too, may receive thereby his pressing invitation to remain a while longer. As this tendency is most marked in the chemical department, it makes us hope that 'last leaf' may fall after all.

Do not think, honored faculty, that our attitude toward you is one mrely of criticism, as I fear my remarks may have led you to think. Far be it from me or any member of 1903 to withhold expressions of deep gratitude for the help and encouragement you have been so willing to grant and so free to offer. Many times we have grown discouraged and weary, many times we have found ourselves on the verge of despair when some kind word or thoughtful deed from a yet kinder and more thoughtful heart has restored us to the places we had almost lost and has inspired us with fresh courage for the present and hope for the future. We thank you, our friends and teachers, for all you have been to us, and now, as we stand and look back over the path we have come, we see as with clearer vision that what had appeared to us hardships and failures were but blessings in disguise. So we beg you to forget our faults and remember only our virtues, many or few, as the case may be.

Juniors, Sophomores, Freshmen, in the name of the class of 1903, I greet you this morning. The duty of speaking to you is a most pleasant one, for as I stand facing you I am almost overwhelmed with reminiscences of garden-parties, May-fetes, dramatics, lantern-chains, and other charming entertainments given in honor of and for the pleasure of 1903.

Having passed through the entire course of college life, we Seniors have had the opportunity of learning the difficulties and obstacles strewn along the way and because of the interest we feel in you we would like to tell you some of the things which we have learned from experience.

First, I want to congratulate the Juniors on having the opportunity next year of giving the first Senior dramatics: 1903 had intended to take this precendence, but she had been the first to adopt so many improvements in the life of the college, and had taken the lead in everything for so long that it had grown rather monotonous; so one day a class meeting was called and an important decision arrived at. What this decision was may best be made known to you in the words of our immortal poet and class president:

Sophomores, I should like to advise you as regards your work in economics and sociology. When you enter upon those courses you will probably be given the choice of a book-review or some practical social work. Let me beg you to choose the latter. I say this to you because the importance of such work was impressed upon my mind in rather a forceful way. A party of students were sailing up the Patapsco one moonlight night. They had been spending a glorious day on one of those geological excursions which have become famous through the entire lack of geological research which is their chief characteristic. There was on board a man whose heart is easily touched by the woes of others, and looking upon the beautiful specimens of femininity grouped around him he thought what material for social work was there represented. He was seized by an inspiration: 'Girls,' he shouted, 'I have something very pathetic to tell you.' Quickly we pressed closer, half-eagerly, half-fearfully, for we knew not what tale of horror we were about to hear. Then, in a voice throbbing with emotion, this lover of humanity began softly:

Freshmen, I feel that the best thing I can say to you is to tell you what a friend you have on the Board of Control. To him you may never fear to go when in doubt or perplexity. He will be ever ready to assist and sympathize with you in your joys and your distresses. Whenever you have a request to make or a privilege to be granted, let me advise you to always consult him. It would be superfluous for me to mention his name to Seniors, Juniors, or Sophomores, but fearing, less by reason of your short stay among us, you may not have found him out, I will tell you that he is none other than our honored President - Dr. Goucher. For four years the class of 1903 has felt his sympathy and interest, not always openly expressed, but perhaps more deply because shown in a cordial greeting and a warm handshake. Long, long may the stone walls of our Alma Mater stand to perpetuate his name, made worthy to be handed down to posterity because of his democratic nobility, shown by his deeds as well as words.

Now let me speak to all of you, dear fellow-students:

I want to warn you against a carelessness in speech which seems to me to be rapidly increasing: in other words, I would warn you against the use of college slang. The danger of this habit has been fully illustrated by one of our own class-members. She has a charming little habit of answering 'Hello?' when addressed by her equals, but never had she dreamed of using such a mode of salutation to her superiors. But, oh! the chains of habit! One morning, delayed after chapel services, she thought she was alone, but hearing her name called she quickly answered 'Hello?' and, turning, she gazed into the astonished eyes of the Dean. Doubtless she felt as though a nightmare were sitting on her breast, but what could she say or do?

Another objection to college slang has been succinctly expressed by the Dean. He calmly informed us in a lecture given in psychology that his objection to college slang was the same as that to 'cuss words' - a constant use left no mode of expression under deep emotion. Is this the Dean's only objection to 'cuss words'? Only the Dean can answer.

This matter of talking is a serious one, anyway. Dr. M- has said that he could hear and understand conversations being carried on in five different parts of a room at the same time. Therefore, guard your speech well when 'xz yz' is around, and be especially careful when you are Seniors and have your seats in chapel in the Senior rows.

ANother matter I would like to talk to you about is that of vague examinations. We all know that sometimes the questions given us poor, suffering students are veritable Chinese puzzles. Do not become discouraged when confronted by such a state of affairs. Your instructors will tell you their questions are not vague but compact. Truly they are that. For instance, some of you had an examination in English. The questions were written upon the board and you were told there would be no discussion upon them. One brief question was simply 'Hiawatha.' You asked yourself 'Hiawatha what?' 'Hiawatha how?' 'Hiawatha when?' 'Hiawatha where?' but you could find no answers to your questions. You looked at your instructor with appealing eyes: his face was ?admantine?. At last in desparation you plunged in and wrote a rambling essay on Hiawatha. Now how much better in such cases to match compactness with compactness. In this instance you could have written 'Hiawatha', next 'Minnehaha,' then a few bars of the Lobengrin Wedding March, ending with the final strains of Chopin's Funeral March. The whole story could have been told most compactly.

This inability to grasp the meaning of questions may also extend to a misunderstanding of a professor's method of delivery. A class in ?Plautus? was one morning laboriously picking out the metre of a play. One student had just waded through a long sentence in something of this style:

?'Nos - fugi - amus - quo -fugi- amos- in patriam - apoge hand - id mo - deceat.'?

Suddenly her instructor leanted across his desk and uttered rapidly in deep, sepulchral tones:

'Nos fugiamus, quo fugiamus, in patriam apage hand in nos deceat."

We thought that the building was on fire and that in his alarm for our safety our instructor had fallen into Latin speech. We prepared to flee, when, percieving our fright, he repeated soothingly:

'Nos fugiamus? Quo fugiamus? In patriam apage hand id nos deceat.'

He had simply been illustrating how this particular metre should be rendered.

So I repeat, we are sometimes in doubt as to the meaning of examination questions and sometimes puzzled by our instructor's delivery: but never, oh! never, make the awful mistake of misunderstanding the orders issued from the physical training department.

Members of the class of 1903 who, through force or circumstances over which they had no control, were compelled to take gymnasium with the thermometer pushing hard upon 90 degrees, registered a silent vow that if they came out alive they would warn those following in the same footsteps. Oh! I pray you, follow the advice of one who has passed through the fire, and take all the gymnasium you can when the snow is on the ground and the thermometer as near zero as you can get it.

Now, one parting word. Can we possibly wish you to undertake any higher work than the endeavor to excel other classes that year after year have passed from our Alma Mater out into the world, there to exert the influence of a well trained nature?

No higher mission can we give you than the upholding of the ideals for which The Woman's College of Baltimore stands, and the carrying on of the noble works which she has started and earnestly desires to see brought to perfection.

FRANCES HOPKINS, 1903.

KALENDS

Last Updated 9/14/99.
Copyright 1999.